Reflection of a year of Laurie Jean’s Studio

My sister Laurie, at about 3 years old, with my Dad, Larry, in California. Notice her little arm around my Dad’s leg. Isn’t she the cutest thing!

It has been a little over a year since I created Laurie Jean’s Studio to honor my sister, Laurie, and my Dad, Nephew, and Brother who we lost in a span of four short years. We lost Dad to Alzheimer’s in 2021. So, I have been on this journey of loss for 5 years. Creating Laurie Jean’s Studio has been a blessing. I finally found a way to channel my grief into a positive path and it has provided me many opportunities of absolute joy. Joy in the process of creating and stretching my skills. Joy in the ability to surround myself with amazing fabric and trims for which to create. Joy in the feeling that Dad, Zach, Kevin and especially my sister Laurie, are in the studio with me every time I sew. I think that is why I feel down when there is a day I can’t sew!

I am writing this just a few short hours after returning from a vendor market where I took my designs to share with others and tell my story. It was a long day - up at 4 am, at the market at 6:30 am, and ready for my first customers at 10:00 am. I have not been doing this long enough to know what to expect at market events yet, and this was my first time vending at this market. The turnout was amazing and I had my first sale at 10:11 am! I did very well at this market and talked to so many amazing people about my process and my family.

I keep a picture, the one shown here, of Laurie, when she was about 3-4 years old, with my Dad, on my table when I vend. I bring them with me. It reminds me of why I do this and how much they have inspired me.

Despite the fact that this market was a great success, I was melancholy on my drive home. I cried for a large majority of it and have continued to tear up, including right now! While I feel such joy and inspiration as the owner and designer for Laurie Jean’s Studio and I feel as though I am honoring my family, I often feel overwhelmingly sad that they aren’t here with me to share this journey. My sister would have absolutely LOVED doing this with me. We would have been thrifting together, dreaming up ideas together, working these events together, and just enjoying the process. The fact that I had so many people comment on my designs, my purpose, and my story brought such a smile to my face yesterday. So why, on my way home, was I crying? It was a good day.

Grief is a formidable opponent, and often doesn’t play fair! Just when you thought you understood your grief and felt as though you could “handle” it, it pivots and delivers a different blow to the gut (and heart) that you didn’t see coming. The loss of their bodies was one type of loss. But, the loss of the moments and memories that they won’t be a part of is another and it NEVER goes away.

My son graduated a few weekends ago with his Master’s Degree. He has been accepted into George Washington University in D.C. for a Master’s Degree in Public Policy. We expect to move him to D.C. in July. My Dad, who my son adored, would be so proud of my son. He shared his love of history, politics, and service with Tucker and Tucker absorbed it like a sponge. The fact that my father did not get to see my son graduate from high school, college, and graduate school is heart breaking. The fact that my father won’t see him move to D.C. and watch him grow into a man who puts his love of history, politics, and service to work is JUST NOT FAIR!

Today I grieve for the loss of moments. The loss of seeing the pride and love on my Dad’s face when he watched my son receive his diploma’s. The loss of watching my Dad admire my son for putting his love of history, politics, and service to work. I grieve that and I cry! I want to sit at the kitchen table and talk to my Dad about my son. I want to get his advice. I want to hear his stories. I want to touch his head and say, “I Love You Pop” one more time.

I want to have a going away party for my son and have my sister, my nephew, and my brother all there with us. I want it so bad it hurts!

But, that isn’t possible. So, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and find ways to connect with them, even though I can’t sit at the kitchen table with them. That is what Laurie Jean’s Studio has done for me. It gives me an outlet for my grief. One that is positive. One that motivates. One that creates and One that is driven by love.

Grief, is a formidable opponent! But, I think I am up for the challenge. Grief is a form of trauma and post-traumatic stress is also a formidable opponent. The aftermath of grief is scary and unbalancing. Laurie Jean’s Studio helps me navigate that stress and uncertainty. It is posttraumatic growth! Tedeschi and Calhoun (2004), coined this phrase in their works in 1999 and 2001. The term refers to “positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances.” (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 1999, 2001). In their works they position struggle and challenge in a variety of ways. It can be health challenges like cancer, an injury through accident, the loss of loved ones, major historical events (the life circumstances do not have to be direct in order to trigger trauma), and other areas of suffering. Through these life challenges we face sadness, depression, anxiety, and fear. These challenges can lead to physical manifestations including fatigue, muscle tension (Oh, I feel that one!), and aches, stomach problems, and overall physical discomfort (my body has hurt so bad over the last 5 years it is unreal!)

For many people facing these major life challenges, the next step in their trauma processing is severe onset of psychological and physical problems. Mental health providers are there to help us through that journey and I worked with a good one during my processing. However, for some of us, that isn’t enough. This is where posttraumatic growth comes in. For some of us, this growth transforms. Most people who experience posttraumatic stress report experience a change in what they deem as important in their life. A radically changed sense of priorities are common as well. Additionally, we often develop more intimate relationships, increased feelings of strength, and in the realization that there are new possibilities. Kind of like - we can write our own new narrative.

All of these things are true for me. I have changed how I spend my time and who I spend it with and I am writing my own narrative with Laurie Jean’s Studio.

Grief is a formidable opponent! But today, I wipe my tears, head to my sewing studio and begin the process of creating as I continue to write this new narrative.

References:

Calhoun, L.G., & Tedeschi, R.G. (1999). Facilitating posttraumatic growth: A clinician’s guide. Mahway, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc.

Calhoun, L.G., & Tedeschi, R.G. (2001). Posttraumatic growth: The positive lessons of loss. In R.A. Neimyer (Ed), Meaning reconstruction and the experience of loss (pp. 157-172). Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.

Tedeschi, R.G., & Calhoun, L.G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1-18.